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Purge

Purge

Today I just really need to purge. I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster the last few weeks. I really just want to scream or shout or stomp my feet. I feel so frustrated. I really just need to let things go. Things that are beyond my control. Things I can’t change. No matter how much I wish I could change them; I can’t. I need to accept. But it’s hard. To let go. To accept some things, no matter how much you want them. No matter how beneficial it is for others. No matter how right you are; you just have to let go and let be. I’m trying. To let go. To let be. I’m only responsible for me. I’m only responsible for my actions. I’m trying. To let go. To let be. To breathe. To inhale. And release. Deeply. Because...

How Anniversaries Should Be

How Anniversaries Should Be

Seven years ago today, for whatever reason I still don’t understand, my husband married me. All the while knowing I was batshit insane. And today after seven years, we’re still together. He’s still my rock. Keeping me grounding, moving forward, never looking back. I still don’t know how he does up. Put up with me and my ever changing moods, but he does. - So how exactly did we celebrate this achievement? Seven years together? Good times and bad? We didn’t. We totally forgot. It was literally 10 pm on Jan 4th. In the midst of a conversation, we were remembering his father and what a great man he was. We started discussing how he passed away just a few short months after we had married. That’s when it dawned on my husband,...

Obligatory New Year’s Post

Obligatory New Year’s Post

New Year. New Start. Yada yada. I didn’t make any real resolutions this year. Yes I’d like to lose the last 50 lbs in 2015; having lost 75 in 2014. I also set a goal to run 1000 miles in 2015. I did 800ish in 2014 so that seems like a reasonable upgrade. The biggest thing I plan on doing for 2015 is to make more me time. I tend to forget about myself. I worry about others always. First and foremost. I feel guilty whenever I do anything for myself. Even buying new underwear just because I thought they were cute. And not because mine were all holelier than thou. This is something I would really like to change about myself. It’s ingrained in my psyche that I do not deserve things. Just because. Pampering myself is a grave sin; in my mind at least....

It’s Their Job

It’s Their Job

I’ve been reading a lot lately about battered women getting sent to jail because their children were harmed by their boyfriend, husband, abuser. Apparently this seems to get people all fired up. As if the fact, these women were “battered” somehow negates them from protecting their children. My mother was a battered woman. I’ve seen my father beat her in our front yard until she could no longer stand up. I’ve seen him scream at her, call her names. Belittle her. I’ve seen her hit him in the head with a cast iron skillet and then call his father to come get him before he bled to death. I saw a lot in the eight years I lived with my parents. I also saw my father remove the doorknob on the outside of my door. So that it could only...

Whispers

In the silent moments. The ones where you wiggle your toes and scrunch your nose. The moments in between the inhales and exhales of life.  Not every person gets to know those moments. They are pure and rare and precious. I live in those moments every day. Never unaware the world continues to turn and spin and push forward through space and time. Hurtling faster and faster while I wait. Some days I’m not sure what I’m waiting for any longer. I just know I’m waiting. Hoping. Breathing. In. Then out. That is what I do. For now. In the silent moments. When time stops, and I stare into the abyss. Wondering when or if it will ever consume me. I watch it creep between my toes. Like sand. I wiggle and twitch but it’s still there. Tingling....

What an Army Vet Taught Me Today

What an Army Vet Taught Me Today

Today I had a very interesting experience. It made my heart smile. With all of the things going on in the world, I often wonder what do people think when they see me walk by. I am very obviously Muslim. And just by looking at me you would not know I was American. I do look Arab until you hear my Southern drawl that is. I am always very conscious of my actions in public. I am never rude, even when people are rude to me. I implore the “kill them with kindness” rule because I am American, because I do speak English, because I have lived many years overseas, because my outlook is very unique I feel a strong sense of responsibility to show people that not every Muslim is bad or evil. I feel a huge sense of responsibility to educate people on what Islam...

Finding the One

Finding the One

I’m 37 years old. Most people my age have their life together. They’ve been living their life for many years. I just started living mine five months ago. In the last five months I’ve realized so many things. I realized how much I love my husband and how much he truly loves me. It’s such a strange feeling to have someone not only accept me exactly as I am but to love all the quirky things I do. Someone who encourages me to be as quirky as I want to be. It’s very weird.  My entire life I have been the square peg trying to fit into the round hole. And suddenly I don’t have to fit into the round hole. I don’t have to fit anywhere. I can be just the way I want to be and that is ok. There will be people who love me the way I...